So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
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