On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i think i have two assholes
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
