i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
