i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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