I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
