Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
