i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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