Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
