He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
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