after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
