he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
