Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Oh god it's open bar.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
