ADVERTISEMENT

• (619): View more from California

  He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.

  Fav 58 1135 3957

  share tweet
  

• (641): View more from Iowa

  FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER

  (1-641): View more from Iowa

  STOP listening to that song

  Fav 78 5620 1327

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (920): View more from Wisconsin

  I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.

  Fav 15 3969 941

  share tweet
  

• (609): View more from New Jersey

  I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.

  Fav 14 3814 1058

  share tweet
  

• (208): View more from Idaho

  She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".

  Fav 23 9332 1317

  share tweet
  

• (970): View more from Colorado

  I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons

  Fav 10 1521 2503

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (512): View more from Texas

  honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party

  Fav 6 2433 864

  share tweet
  

• (316): View more from Kansas

  I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.

  Fav 5 2826 1140

  share tweet
  

• (416): View more from Toronto

  Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.

  Fav 10 3764 1056

  share tweet
  

• (336): View more from North Carolina

  I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.

  Fav 5 2352 768

  share tweet
  

• (425): View more from Washington

  Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero

  Fav 4 1143 521

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (406): View more from Montana

  I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period

  Fav 7 712 1089

  share tweet
  

• (443): View more from Maryland

  Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...

  Fav 0 12 26

  share tweet
  

• (510): View more from California

  The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.

  Fav 0 11 40

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.

  Fav 0 54 3

  share tweet
  

Randomize