how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
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only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
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Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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