the condom got lost in my hair
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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