i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
