Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
