I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
