Banned from zoo.
Again?
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
