you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
