sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
You pole danced in your parka.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
