winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
