My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
