I am puke
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
