I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
