I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
