i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.â€
My divorce is turning into a porn script
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
