can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
