I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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