hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
