I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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