theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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