yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
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