I think I won the penis lottery.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
