even my farts smell like vagina
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Randomize
