YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
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