At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize