We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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