i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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