It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
