she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Sorry about my life...
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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