Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
