I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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