Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
