You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
