she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
