True but thats because hes a fetus.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
