some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
