That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
My vagina just recognized that song.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
