i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
