I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
