he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
