I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
