Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
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