I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
