Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
