the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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