did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
